It’s not easy watching others who are so in love and seeing women spending time with their man, and it’s not easy watching movies being all by myself and seeing others who are holding hands. It’s not easy dressing up and I’m shopping alone when there are others who are making some plans, it’s not easy cooking dinner when it’s only just me, and something that was not apart of the plan. It’s not easy having a calling from the Lord on my life, when everyday I have to take up my cross, by dying to myself which is not very simple, and was chosen to just pay the cost. It’s not easy for me to think that I’ll never get married, and that i’ll always have to be alone, and to wish I had a man laying right there beside me and a man that I could call my own.
Do you remember the times when we were sipping on wine and when our life together seemed to be fine? Do you remember the days when you would sit down and gaze into my eyes that had you so amazed? Do you remember the months when we would go out for lunch and go to parties where they spiked up the punch? Do you remember the years when we had fun and no fears and when you whispered sweet words in my ears? Do you remember that dress, on the night we had sex, and how your sweat was running down on my chest? Do you remember the parks, where we would go after dark, when there was nothing that could keep us apart? Do you remember the fights and the way we would fuss though we loved each other so very much? Do you remember those things or meditate on these things or do you ever really think about us?
Every car that passes by I am watching and peeping and I have my blinds opened up wide, and late at night I am tossing and I’m turning and weeping and I’m moving from side to side. I’m overtaken and I’m weak because I’m blinded by love and my friends they sit and watch in horror, because I’m acting like someone who has ceased from drugs and now I’m shaking like I’m having withdrawals. Whenever my phone starts to ring I am thinking it’s you but when it’s not I start feeling despair, because I’m walking around town talking to myself, hallucinating when you’re not even there. Every person that I meet I am thinking it’s you but it’s someone else who I’m seeing instead, and there are strangers who are passing and they’re offering me money because they think I’m standing begging for bread. Love doesn’t last forever but these feelings that I’m having for you is so deep, because I can’t seem to shut or to close my eyes without crying myself to sleep.
I am riding on the clouds while my mind is at ease with a feeling I never felt before, because my burdens have been lifted and I’m no longer bound but through the clouds I can see a rainbow. It’s amazing how I’ve grown and i didn’t go back to what I’ve experienced one year ago, but you’re desperate and you see that I am living so high because you want to bring me back down low. I cannot say that it was easy being away from you because if I did then it would be a lie, but I vowed to serve the Lord everyday of my life until the day that I finally die. I have a peace which surpasses all understanding because I’m resting in my father’s wings, but if I had not been removed away from you I wouldn’t have known what a storm could bring.
If you’re wondering how it all happened, and how everything first began, when the Lord blessed me with a big mansion, and with everything that was put within. My chairs are made of gold, with rubies all over my door, and my stove is made of glass, with diamonds all over my floor. Mirrors are all around me while my closets are filled with hats, and my yard is filled with palm trees, with a swimming pool in the back. My lakes are filled with tourists, who have traveled from different coast, and I have beautiful stylish clothes, with nice Versace coats. I’m eating foods that I’ve never heard of and sleeping in beds that are huge and soft, but this is only my imagination, of just my troubles that are paying off.
What I don’t need is a man that’s not good for me with any goals or desire for learning, what I don’t need is a man who has no respect, and wants to visit three o’clock in the morning. What I don’t need is a man with his pants hanging down and with a mind that is so depraved, what I don’t need is a man who wants to drive my car but works a job that is minimum wage. What I don’t need is a man who doesn’t love himself but sleep around with every woman he meets, and what I don’t need is a man who wants to sleep during the day but up at night selling drugs on the streets. But what I need is a man who would pray for me and would treat me like he would his mother, and if I’m sick I need a man to lay his hands on me and quote a scripture so that I can recover. What I don’t need is a man that would hinder me but would help me to be all I can be, and what I don’t need is a man to pay my bills for me, or a man to take care of me.